Thursday, June 20, 2013


The chill up and down my body. That moment, frozen in time.  My heart literally stopping....

It was all there... when I saw him.  The feeling that my dad said that I should have... it was there.  The overwhelming feeling that this guy....  actually noticed me... it's amazing.  The pure warmth that I get when I kiss him, or he kisses me.... It's irreplaceable.   When we first locked eyes.... it was indescribable. I felt as if our souls were connected... as if he was looking right at my heart and knew me, and I him.

Here I am.  10 months later.  It's as if none of that happened yet I can feel the scars in every thought I have now.  My mind is blown at how fast it caught fire and then extinguished.  Maybe it was extinguished for him, but certainly not for me.  Every time I see his name, see his face, my heart does something weird.  Something it's never done before with anyone else.  How am I suppose to move on fully when this keeps happening?  How long am I suppose to pray for healing and for God to take away this pain I feel?  This feeling is deeper than anything  I've ever experienced.  I can hardly tell what kind of feeling it is anyway.  I can't tell if this is love, or hurt, or a broken heart.  Maybe that's what this is.  I have a broken heart.  Every time I thought I had one before, none of those compare to this time.  Maybe it was because of how intense everything was and what all happened.  Maybe it's because I never expected to be here.  Maybe I'm still in shock and I've no idea how to deal with the feelings I'm having.

All I truly know is this.  He ruined me.  Completely.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to love anyone fully without thinking of him.  It's unfair.  To anyone in the future, and to me, forever.  I don't know how to come back from this.  I've been trying for the longest time.  But I know if he looked at me again, as he once did before, into my soul, I would fall.  Just as before.  There is nothing I can do.

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